osgood_asitgets | [Hockey RPS - killed by love - Ryan Miller/Ty Conklin

mistokath13, though I think she disowns it due to the angst. :3 | titled nabbed from Alice Cooper.

killed by love

"I don't want to leave," Ty says, voice low and rough. He presses his palm flat against Ryan's chest, then smooths it over the skin as if maybe he's learning every scar.

Ryan turns a little onto his side, wraps an arm around Ty, and tugs him closer. He doesn't want Ty to leave yet, either; it's for a different reason, though.

Because Ty distracts him from other things--the only person Ryan's let get this close in years. And the one person he can care about without reservations.

It makes no sense, because this relationship is one prohibited on every level--being gay or even bi in the NHL is a desperately kept secret (a critical secret)--but Ryan has never found a girl that made him feel the way that Ty makes him feel.

The time they get to spend together is brief, and rare. But, sometimes, Ty tells his wife something (he won't tell Ryan what it is) and he'll fly to Buffalo and appear at Ryan's apartment for a weekend.

But right now, it's two days after Christmas and Ty's supposed to be at home, instead of lingering in Ryan's hotel room.

"I know," Ryan says finally. He's breathing in Ty's scent and trying to commit it to memory, so that during the long months when they're apart, he'll have something left of his lover.

"I've gotta go," Ty whispers against Ryan's sweat-soaked skin. "Erika will understand going out drinking because we lost, but still... I can't get home too late."

It hurts Ryan that he's the cause of lies and deceptions between Ty and his wife; Ryan has only one person in his life it could be considered that he's cheating on, and there's no one in the world who would think that relationship was okay to begin with.

"We kicked your ass," Ryan says teasingly, trying to distract himself from the fact that he's the homewrecker in this situation, the person driving a wedge between Ty and Erika, the person who keeps Ty from his kids.

"Your team still allowed three goals," Ty returns. Ty yawns and then rolls away from Ryan, stretching his legs out, crossing his arms behind his head and looking as though he's staring at the ceiling without a single distressing thought in his head.

Ryan allows himself to admire Ty's body, his gorgeous physique and the way he carries no shyness; Ty's utterly bare from the top of his head to the tip of his toes and the sheets have long been pushed to the bottom of the bed.

But Ty's withdrawing, now. Ty's mentally preparing himself to go home and face his wife and to keep from her that, instead of drinking with the guys after a loss, he's spent three hours in Ryan's hotel room.

"Just say..." Ryan can see Ty becoming distant, and he's desperate. He needs something to keep his mind from someone else. In a low, barely-audible voice, he continues, "say you love me, Ty. I gotta hear it."

But Ty doesn't respond; he's quiet and reflective. Ryan feels his heart squeeze and begins to question everything when Ty sits up, leans gently over Ryan and touches their lips together for what is sure to be the final time of this evening.

He runs his hand up Ryan's side, fingers playing against Ryan's ribs, and whispers against his lips, "you're so damn skinny. You should eat more."

"I'll miss you," Ryan murmurs, carding his fingers through Ty's hair. But Ty slowly moves back.

"I need a shower, and then I have to go. I've stayed too long already."

Ryan wonders if Erika ever thinks that Ty must hold his liquor awfully well.

Ty walks to the hotel room bathroom, and Ryan closes his eyes.

Another secret encounter coming to a close, the chapter ending, and he still doesn't know how this book ends--just that it's not going to be happy for either of them.

He listens to the shower running and touches his lips.

It's easier for both of them if Ty doesn't say good-bye, so Ryan wills himself to sleep, knowing that when he awakes, Ty's presence will be little more than a bittersweet memory.

///

Ryan knows that this, the only meeting between the Sabres and Red Wings of the season, is going to bring him face-to-face with his brother Drew, and he also knows that Drew's going to insist on seeing him.

It makes his skin itch; he's not ready for the confrontation--he's been ignoring Drew's texts and calls for a long time now, and that, more than anything, is going to make his brother far more suspicious than he might otherwise have been.

When a knock comes at his door, he already knows without having to look that it's Drew. He shores himself up for a confrontation, and he's not disappointed when he lets his brother in.

"You haven't called," Drew accuses immediately. "And you're avoiding me."

"If I were avoiding you, I wouldn't have opened the door," Ryan defends himself lamely.

"You opened the door because you knew Mom would have your ass if she found out I went to see you and you didn't let me in," Drew challenged.

"Whatever," Ryan mutters. Drew has an expression of intense concentration on his face, like he's working out the best way to phrase something.

And whatever it is, Ryan can already tell it bodes poorly for him.

Drew shoves past him and throws himself on Ryan's double bed, arranging himself so that he's lying on his side, balanced on his elbow, watching Ryan.

Ryan, discomfited and unsure exactly what he should do, perches himself awkwardly in the wooden chair in front of the desk.

From the look on Drew's face, he's pretty upset--or disappointed--by the fact that Ryan didn't immediately come over and plop down on the bed next to him.

But what does he expect? It's been years. But a little voice in Ryan's head ruthlessly reminds him that the reason he's so wrapped up in Ty is because he just can't forget, no matter how long it's been.

Drew's expression suggests that he's never forgotten, either.

Ryan might be older, and they might not share the same psychic bond such as the Sedin twins, but Ryan knows how much they resemble each other, and how close he's always felt to Drew.

Which is the problem: so close to Drew that things happened that should never have happened, and now neither of them can move past it.

Drew got married, but it hasn't made any difference; he's still staring at Ryan with that type of yearning that lovers in romantic movies always have.

Ryan sighs and scratches his elbow. He rubs the back of his neck, and realises that he's just sitting, stupid and silent, and waiting for Drew to speak--and Drew seems perfectly content to let him sweat it out.

Ryan doesn't realise it at first, but he's got his hand cupped over his belly, inches away from the waistband of his sweats, and good thing he's sitting backwards on the chair...

Drew fishes around in his pocket and produces his cell phone, and with the beep of a few buttons, he glances down and begins to read--words that Ryan remembers painstakingly typing out...

"It was great to see you. I live for those moments. I can't forget the Winter Classic, watching you across the length of the ice."

Drew looks up at Ryan, and Ryan knows instantly that he's caught. He must've done something stupid like texted that to Drew instead of Ty just before he stopped responding to Drew because he'd felt so guilty after that last time, the time that he discovered how much in love with Ty he is. And painfully, not knowing if Ty loved him back made him kind of want to hide from everyone he knew.

Hiding from Drew was probably a good idea, but the NHL schedule has undone all of his hard work.

It isn't even that damning, but he understands what Drew's thinking--they haven't been this close all their lives without being able to decipher what the other is thinking.

Ryan closes his eyes and leans his head back; he'd wondered why Ty never replied to that text and just assumed that he'd been busy with his wife or his kids or practise or something...

"Why?" Drew asks softly, and Ryan can hear the anguished arrangement of his features, without needing to see it.

"What's the difference," Ryan asks, eyes still closed, heart beating achingly fast against his breastbone, "you married."

"It's not the same." The clock ticks the minutes by, and then Drew goes on in a whisper. "It was expected of me, you know that."

Ryan does. He'd never stayed with a girl long enough to inspire thoughts of marriage, but Drew had been with the same girl in college and beyond long enough that everyone simply wondered when, not if, they'd get hitched.

He opens his eyes and regards his brother. Drew is watching him, his face twisted in sadness.

"It's not something that could've lasted," Ryan points out gently. It's Drew's turn to close his eyes. "It's not something that ever should have begun," Ryan finishes softly.

"But it did," Drew says. "It happened. And..."

And Drew is jealous because Ryan slept with another guy. He suddenly knows with instantly clarity that if Ryan had paraded a girl around, even made out with her sloppily in public, Drew would've just shrugged and let it slide.

But Ryan sleeping with Ty apparently jeopardises what Drew thinks they share.

"You'll always be my brother," Ryan says. "Nothing's going to change that."

Drew opens his eyes again and stares hard at Ryan. "Why him?" he asks wretchedly. "Why, why Conks and not me?"

"You know why," Ryan says. He hardens his voice, tries to get Drew to see reason, but his brother jumps up from the bed and crosses to stand in front of Ryan.

Drew grabs Ryan's chin and holds him still, driving their lips together with such force that one of Ryan's teeth splits the skin on the inside of his mouth, but Drew doesn't subside; he urges Ryan's mouth open and sends Ryan reeling with the intensity of his kiss, the sparks it thrills through him even though he knows he shouldn't.

He could stop this farce; he could break away; he could punch Drew and regain control of the situation.

But his body, his lips and his flushed cheeks and his pounding heart--it all wants this. His breathing, stretched and uneven, makes his stomach muscles flutter and he winds up closing his eyes and allowing Drew to continue.

Ryan's heart is thumping in other ways, too. Ways that are intangible and impossible to quantify, and even though his brain is trying to reassert reason, to remind Ryan that he's damaging one relationship to perpetuate what is already a damaging relationship, Ryan silences it violently and leans in, hands coming up to Drew's face, clawing at the soft skin there, driving his fingers into Drew's hair.

And as he kisses him, there's no room for him to think of anyone else.

///

Which is why the next time he sees Ty, he stutters and blushes, and when Ty looks at him curiously, expecting to be let in, Ryan doesn't open the door any wider.

"I don't think you should come in," Ryan says. Ty's eyes widen and he tries to push on the door.

"I flew all the way here," he says reasonably, and Ryan stamps down the little tendril of guilt. Ty must be able to read the closed expression on his face. "Come on, Ry, what happened?"

Ryan takes Ty's hand, and for a split second he runs his thumb over the back of it, then he gently presses it to Ty's chest, away from the door.

"I know, and I am sorry; go home, Ty. Spend some time with your wife."

Ty gives him an incredulous look, but he steps back, and Ryan closes the door, then leans back against it, his heart hurting, his eyes aching with the desperate need to cry, but the tears won't come.

///

Ryan receives texts from Ty for awhile. First, I want to see you, please. Then, Seriously, Ry, I should've said it--I love you. Please.

Ryan almost responds to that one, but then he catches sight of the silvered hair peeking out of the covers on his bed, and he tosses the phone away.

Finally, he gets one that says, My wife is having another baby, and Ryan comforts himself with the thought that Ty's moved on, that he's directed his attentions where they belonged all the time anyway.

The problem is, Ryan himself feels trapped, and he can't say no to Drew (he loves him too much) and he can't say yes to Ty (it's not fair to him) and so he goes on living, suspended between the two of them.

fin.

[Hockey RPS - killed by love - Ryan Miller/Ty Conklin | Drew Miller/Ryan Miller - R]

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